Why the Song “Love the One You’re With” is Totally Wrong

In case you have your head up your ass and you missed all the #FreeBitchy tweets yesterday, my divorce was finalized yesterday morning. And in case you missed all the between the lines tweets over the last six months, I ended my marriage in October. I was a bit more vague about that, so I didn’t expect everyone to really know what was going on. However, the giant rainbows of happiness should have been a huge fucking clue.

It's a certified copy and everything.

What’s really surprised me in announcing my divorce is how quick everyone is to say that they’re sorry. Why? Why is divorce something to be sorry about? I feel better about my life than I ever have. This was my decision. I am not some shrinking violet woman and I thought people knew better than to assume that about me. After court yesterday, I went out and bought hot pink stilettos and a brand new dress. I wasn’t sitting in a corner and sobbing into some pudding.

Honestly, the whole process was rather anti-climatic for me. @winelibrarian kept asking me how I felt, but I really didn’t feel any significant emotion. In my mind, my marriage had been over for so long that this was just like the sprinkles on top of a cupcake. Or something.

When I got married, I feel like I did it for all the wrong reasons. I see that now, but at the time, all I wanted was for someone to love me and never leave me. Obviously, I still want to be loved, but the desperation is gone and has been replaced with a little something called self-confidence. I’m completely fine being on my own. Hell, sometimes I even forget to lock my door at night.

So what I feel is that the song “Love the One You’re With” is totally wrong. Well, maybe not totally wrong, but you shouldn’t force happiness in a situation just because you took a vow when you were 22 years old and not even sure what you wanted out of life. People drift apart, become different. Some people grow together in situations like that, others grow apart. When your heart is opened up to the idea of exploring a relationship with someone else, is it better to stay married and deny yourself? I don’t have children, so the decision was less difficult for me to make. I’m not saying it was easy, but it was the right thing to do for both of us. It wasn’t fair to him for me to stay when I wasn’t dedicated to the marriage and it wasn’t fair for me to be so miserable all the time.

I think I spent my entire marriage looking for something I didn’t have. I created profiles on dating sites throughout my marriage, both to see what was out there and for the attention I didn’t feel like I was getting. I don’t think my ex-husband was equipped to handle me and we are better at being friends than people who coexisted in the same space. I have nothing against him, but we were definitely not right for each other on many levels. And I think he’s happier now, too.

I think settling is used here in a positive way by my fortune cookie.

I have nothing against marriage. I’d even like to try it again with the right person this time. I didn’t get engagement pictures done or even have a wedding photographer. I didn’t wear a big floofy dress. I want to do all those things the next time around. I feel that not wanting all of those things was a sign, but I chose to ignore it. I thought that love meant settling and compromising your happiness, but I know better now.

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11 Responses to “Why the Song “Love the One You’re With” is Totally Wrong”

  1. John says:

    Divorce is only bad when there is a party who doesn’t want it . . . and, if someone wants to salvage the marriage, it’s probably worth salvaging – or, at least, investigating. What you went through? Was absofuckinglutely necessary.

    Let the heavens hear the cry, Bitchy is Happy.

    And for that, the throngs rejoice.

    • Bitchy Librarian says:

      I think it really depends on the situation. If only one person wants to work it out and the other doesn’t, I think little progress will be made. Both parties have to see a future for the marriage in order for it to work.

      And I thought you said “the thongs rejoice.” Snort.

  2. SaturNine says:

    Congratulations, unqualifiedly this time. It’s the most common thing in the world to have mixed emotions at a time like this, which is why I expressed mixed emotions yesterday, but above all I’m glad the present trajectory of your life is right for you.

    • Bitchy Librarian says:

      No, I completely understand, but, in my mind, the marriage ended at least two or three years ago. :)

  3. Hardin Reddy says:

    “Obviously, I still want to be loved, but the desperation is gone and has been replaced with a little something called self-confidence.” Yes . . . that is the key to your future, wherever it takes you.

  4. BrewingLibMan says:

    Even when there are children involved (mine finalized 6/29/11) it’s not worth punishing each other and the kids to try to “save” something that is not worth saving. Congratulations on completing the paperwork, but you’ve obviously moved on with your life (with the help of your friends) long before yesterday morning!

    • Bitchy Librarian says:

      No, you’re quite right. It isn’t fair to anyone involved, and not the kids either. You can only keep a sinking shit afloat for so long.

      Thank you! :) And yes, this was just the final step in the process.

  5. Anna says:

    Congratulations! As I said before, closure is good. It’s an incredibly brave thing to say “this isn’t working for me, I think we need to get a divorce” and actually go through with it. It sounds like it’s been good for you.

  6. Lou Lange says:

    The lyrics from the Semisonic song “Closing Time” rings very true:

    “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end”

    The new road is in front of you…may you have great journeys!