Starcrossed Lovers: The DERZ and BARX Love Story

When we asked @vdaze and @brandibax to participate in #friendshipfebruary, we should have known that they would do things their way and hijack our questionnaire. Honestly, we might have been kind of disappointed if they hadn’t. We kind of see Jess and Brandi as classier, more politically astute versions of ourselves. Basically, we want to be like them when we grow up, so we jumped for joy when they agreed to participate in our theme week.
Jessica’s Answers About Brandi
  • Would you like to replace the questions with MOAR BETTAH?
    Yes please.
  • Can I call you Joe?
    Yes please.
  • How did you become friends?  
    Things were tweeted.  Thousands of DMs were exchanged. Brandi regularly makes me laugh until I pee a little. DON’T JUDGE ME. She really sealed the deal when she UPS’d me three giant Toblerones. Be jealous, bitches.
  • Three words to describe Brandi?
  • Did anything about her surprise you when you met?
    Brandi is quite wee. Also, I was surprised that she didn’t immediately leap into my arms…as I had explicitly requested.
  • Dream chick-date with Brandi.
    I would close down the Sephora store on Fifth Avenue in New York, and set up a private dinner for two in the Bliss section. All of the Sephora-brand products would be cleared out of the store. Ronald McDonald would personally make us McDonalds Caesar crack salads with crispy chicken, served with a one gallon jug of Diet Coke with two straws. A Whitney Houston ballad would be playing in the background…although that’s a bit awkward at the moment, so make it Michael Jackson. Wait. Make it Heavy D. Oh, sonofawhore.
  • Your favorite thing about Brandi.
    I love all the things about Brandi. Nobody makes me laugh until I snot-bubble like she does. She also knows all the words to Ice Ice Baby. She completes me. She also sends some killer Emoji text messages. Chick chick boom. Nobody will get that, because you’re not as awesome as Brandi.
  • You two are trapped on a desert island.  You each get to make three rules.  What are your three?
    We must hold hands when sleeping.
    We must hold hands when not sleeping.
    We must never leave wet towels in the sand.
  • If Brandi were a beauty product, what would she be?
    Laura Mercier Rose Rendezvous Face Illuminator. Impossible to find, stunning, luminous, buttery soft (wait, what?), and universally flattering (not in the way Clinique Black Honey Almost Lipcolor is universally flattering – *actually* universally flattering).
  • BONUS QUESTION: favorite troll word and translation
    MORK = Milk. It makes me snot-bubble. Or mork-bubble. I’m not sure of the science behind it, I’m just a girl.
  • Why is your friendship made of win?
    Brandi is the greatest person alive. From phone conversations that make me laugh until I think I’m going to burst a blood vessel in my eye, to annual birthday harassment of Wolfrum via Face In The Hole avipaloozas, she is the Milli to my Vanilli. We survived Hobo Sephora together. That’s some serious shit. We laugh, we cry, we snot-bubble. She is just the best EVAH. And she’s mine. Don’t go near her. ALL UR BRANDI ARE BELONG TO ME. YA HEAR? I mean it. I will cut you. *shakes fist*


Brandi’s Answers About Jessica

  • Would you like to replace the questions with MOAR BETTAH? 
    Yes, please.
  • Can I call you Joe?
    Only if I can show you my fancy pageant walkin’.
  • How did you and Jessica become friends?
    It started on Twitter, of course.  First we snarked at each other from afar, then we started talking makeup and girl-things.  Then there was our first phone call.  We made each other laugh until tears were shed and urine was leaked.  @mcmuffinofdoom named me BARX, and @vdaze became DERZ. The rest is history.
  • Three words to describe Jessica?
    Australian Dropbear-Wrangler.  Wait.  That was too easy.  Hilarious. Brilliant. Beautiful.
  • Did anything about her surprise you when you met?
    She’s very tidy.  I think I was expecting boomerangs and Foster’s cans on every surface, but she was so civilized.  And CRIKEY she’s tall!  I feel like a stump next to her.
  • Dream chick-date with Jessica.
    First we jet-ski to a beachfront Sephora for shopping, then eat Caesar salads with Hugh Jackman on the beach.  After lunch we take the derpcopter to Washington, DC, where we dance in front of the Jefferson Memorial  to Wilson-Phillips songs…”DON’T YOU KNOW (KNOW) THINGS WILL CHANGE (CHANGE)”…then – HOLD ON A SEC.

    I obviously haven’t thought this through enough.   Hugh Jackman would just spoil it.

  • Your favorite thing about her.
    She spells with numbers sometimes.  It’s very entertaining.  She’s generous and kind-hearted.  Her accent is smashing, too, by the way.
  • You two are trapped on a desert island.  You each get to make three rules.  What are your three?
    Don’t do anything to attract passing ships.  WE’RE NOT LEAVIN’.
    We’ll need material for tents.  Hand over your clothes.  NAOW.
    Washing of the communal underwear ever y Sunday, whether they need it or not.
  • If she were a beauty product, what would she be?
    My Clarisonic – every day starts with Jessica and ends with Jessica.  In the shower.  On my skin.  Heh.  That’ll creep her out.
  • BONUS QUESTION: favorite troll word and translation
    FEWT, which means fruit.
  • Why is your friendship made of win?  
    Jess and I have a friendship that is 98% laughter – the mad, cackling kind that makes strangers stare at me in airport lounges when I’m on the phone with her.  We also have our shared language of choice, Troll. Yes, we’ve transcended our cultural differences by misspelling words in all caps.  We instantly started speaking in a code that I can’t quite explain.  It just evolved.  That’s going to play really well when we’re selected for The Amazing Race.  There’s give-and-take, too.  For example, she sends me some makeup she thinks I will like and I murder hobos to get her a new liver.  Allegedly.  She’s just the best thing ever and Australia can’t have her back.  NEVAAAAAH!

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7 Responses to “Starcrossed Lovers: The DERZ and BARX Love Story”

  1. vodkaandlemons says:

    Now you are just making me really j ealous that I don’t have a relationship like this with anybody………….

    • The Homance™ says:

      Aww, don’t give up hope. Seriously. It’s funny how life works out and hands you a friend like this when you least expect it. I don’t think any of us became friends with the other until later in life.

      • vodkaandlemons says:

        omg I think I know who my Homance friend might be. But you really have to put yourself out there kinda, don’t you?

        • Bitchy Librarian says:

          Yes, you kind of do. A deep friendship requires a lot of trust. It’s scary, but totally worth it. Good luck and keep us posted!

  2. vcthree says:

    I had a chance to see these two in-person a while ago. Every word of this is true. I think I referred to them as a Symbiote; they really are one person in two bodies (in a manner of speaking).

    Seriously, though–they’re awesome ladies, and even moreso when together. Glad to know these two.

    But I’m personally vetoing the choice of the McDonald’s Caesar crack salad, because Bacon Ranch is the SHIT, son!

    Just sayin’.