On Forgiveness: The WL Feelings Edition, Part I

Today is a beautiful day. The leaves are fabulous shades of red, yellow, and orange. The air is crisp and the sun is shining.

Today, is also beautiful because I signed my divorce papers. With a pen. I sort of wish I could sign them in a more dramatic fashion with a quill and ink or maybe blood, but they are signed. There’s still more waiting and a judge and everything, but there is an agreement in place and they are signed. Yay, party, right?

Immediately after this monumental five minutes of my life, I sobbed. I sat in my car in a parking lot and just let it out. It’s not sad crying like OH MY GOD, NOW WHAT? It was OH MY GOD, I JUST SPENT YEARS OF MY LIFE FEELING ANGRY, SAD, UNLOVED, AND UNAPPRECIATED. I AM AN IDIOT. Jesus, my poor feels.

I am super, super private about my feelings and my relationships, so why am I sharing this? Well, it’s cathartic, it’s therapeutic, and maybe someone out there reading this is going through similar emotions in life right now and they will read my fabulous words of wisdom and forgive themselves and their ex. That’s my goal.

Let’s get to the forgiveness then.

So, self, I forgive you. In fact, I applaud you for trying your best, making decisions you thought were good and sound, and adding a couple of fantastic things to the universe in the process. I forgive you for shutting down when you felt you had to in order to preserve any part of your self. I forgive you for staying because you thought it was what was best. I applaud you for figuring out it was time to go and protecting those you love most. I forgive you for “giving up” and becoming another statistic in failed marriages. I applaud you, self, for wanting true happiness out of life, for not settling for anything less, and for doing all of the hard things you did to get to it. And I forgive you for feeling like you caved in settlement talks because you just wanted to get it over with.

And to my ex (if you still stalk me and read this), I forgive you, too. I could air a laundry list of grievances here, but that’s not my style. (And I will admit that I will need to keep working on this forgiveness part because hating you is wrong and a waste of energy.)

Life is good and I am where and who I am, sharing my life and my happiness now with very special people, because of my past. Of course, @sarainthestacks had to point out to me earlier, post-sobbing, that I have nothing to be angry about and that if I didn’t make the same life choices, maybe I wouldn’t have the same things (and people) in my life right now. Thanks, Sara, per usual. I love you.

In the end, nothing that you once cared about was a waste of time.

I am about to turn 40 in a little over a month and I am starting Life: Phase II. I couldn’t be happier and more excited about all of the things I will do, see, and share. And I am most looking forward to my 40th birthday and the best Thanksgiving in the history of the universe this year. I really have so much to be thankful for. <3

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3 Responses to “On Forgiveness: The WL Feelings Edition, Part I”

  1. Evan says:

    *Hug* I applaud your strength and determination to be the one who decides where your Life will take you and to not allow hate to consume you. You are a kind and beautiful soul and I wish you the best of luck. I also thank Twitter for introducing me to special people like you. I speak for many when I say I support you in all you do. I’m also speeding towards Phase II in my life (in a couple of weeks) so I can identify with you on that level as well. Many NYC xoxoxo’s for you Wine Princess!

  2. Lou Lange says:

    Letting go is one of the most cathartic things…but it can be and, in your case, one of the most shattering and emotional things you can do. And you have done it.
    You had a good cry…and that is also one of the greatest things about releases like that.
    You have a lot to look forward to…for me (I am 53), age is a number. You just have to live life as fully as you can.
    You are on the right path, my dear. And with friends like **** and others, you just cannot go wrong!

  3. Corinne says:

    I send *hugs* too. Thank you for sharing and thank you for your honesty. I am so glad to have met you.