Of Dating and Cookies

I don’t have a lot of dating experience. I got married when I was 22 and didn’t really play the field before then. So when my ex-husband and I separated in October, I felt like if I didn’t immediately start dating, I would miss the boat on this amazing new chapter of my life. Or something. Really, I think I probably could have left the boat in dry dock for a little longer. Read into that what you’d like.

The first guy I went out with more than once came to be known as Cookie Boy (we’ll get to the why later). Honestly, I shouldn’t have even gone out with him. What I’m about to tell you may ruin your opinion of me and perhaps all females. The biggest reasons I went out on a first date with him were:  1) he was going to take me to a fancy restaurant and 2) he had access to The Walking Dead when I did not. Now that I’ve established myself as a shallow bitch, we can move on.

When we met in person, I realized right away that he was too short for me to be attracted to him. I was only wearing 3 inch heels and I was taller than him (I’m 5’6, for the record). But when he invited me back to his place to watch The Walking Dead, I wavered only slightly. I mean, can you really blame me? I promise this was before Carl got really annoying. Then he kissed me and that’s where things got really awkward. It was the most aggressive kiss I’d ever been involved in, and not in a good way. I left his place with bruises on my lips and only a shred of dignity left.

What’s worse? I went back for round two the following week. Goddamn you, The Walking Dead! By this point, all dignity was gone. I was whoring myself out for free food and a TV show. I let myself get talked into a third date at Panera Bread a few weeks later because I felt bad and I knew I wouldn’t have to buy my own soup (What? I was going through a separation – money was tight!). At the end of a super awkward meal, we hugged goodbye and that was the last I saw of him.

Or so I thought.

A few days later, a package arrived for me at work. Thinking one of my clever online friends had mailed me something, I was excited when I opened it. The excitement quickly turned to dread when I opened the package to discover a giant cookie from a guy I had been on three dates with. Thus, the nickname Cookie Boy was born. I panicked and looked around, hoping that no one had noticed me opening a giant box. I shoved the box under my desk, where it stayed for several days. I ended up tossing the whole thing. Immediately after receiving the cookie, I took the coward’s way out and emailed Cookie Boy to tell him that he was clearly more interested in me than I was in him and that I didn’t wish to continue seeing him. I got a five paragraph email response in return, where he blamed my disinterest on the cookie. Uh yeah, that was it. Sure.

The problem is, the emails haven’t stopped. It’s been seven months and I keep getting random emails from Cookie Boy. Apparently, we were at the same gas station the other week, and the only logical response was to email me the following day and tell me about it. I mean, that’s what sane people do, right? In that email, he told me that I was “kind of a dick,” but did take the time to compliment me on my choice of footwear (thanks for making that extra creepy). In the most recent email, he said that he continues to email me in the hopes that one day I’ll respond. Really? What happened to me being “kind of a dick”?

I’ve ignored every single email he’s sent. I don’t know why he has any sort of illusion that I’ll ever reply. And why the fuck would I want to?

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26 Responses to “Of Dating and Cookies”

  1. Birdie says:

    OMG! You are going to have to reply and be blunt and more dickishor he’s never going to get it!

    • Bitchy Librarian says:

      What’s more dickish that not even acknowledging his existence?!

      I feel like replying will give him exactly what he wants. It’s been SEVEN MONTHS. Get the fuck over it.

  2. Hardin Reddy says:

    “Boat in dry dock” . . . that got me laughing!

    There are (unfortunately) a lot of awkward Cookie Boys out there, who are inexperienced and think a date is a failure unless it proceeds according to the script they’ve imagined in their mind, rather than taking cues from the woman about how nervous she is and whether she finds him at all attractive. And also think a few light assignations and modest gifts give them some sort of squatter’s rights. Hope you’ve moved on to better matches since then.

    • Bitchy Librarian says:

      Haha, thank you! :)

      I mean, it’s not even that he’s awkward, it’s that he’s become a creepy stalker. Why keep emailing me seven months later when I’ve replied to none of his emails?

      And I’ve definitely found better people since then. Who also have cable!

  3. Elizabeth says:

    I am laughing. I know that the whole emailing thing is probably super annoying. But I just keep seeing him watch you at the gas station and remember your choice of shoes of all things. And I have used a boy for free food and actually, for awhile, a swimming pool. I think we all do at one point. Food and movies are expensive!

    • Bitchy Librarian says:

      Right? Why remember my shoes when they made me so much taller than him? I mean, really? SO WEIRD.

      Oh, I totally don’t blame you for the swimming pool.

  4. Larry Madill says:

    I know this is one of those embarrassing stories but the Walking Dead part cracked me up. As far as advice, ignore him and continue to, he’s borderline stalker material. Engagement eggs the stalker personality on. Well, really anything can egg them on.

    But don’t feel bad. I once dated a girl because she got me free DGA screening passes. *shrugs* Sometimes it happens.

    • Bitchy Librarian says:

      It’s both awkward and hilarious at the same time. Totally allowed to laugh.

      I definitely don’t plan to contact him. It’s fucking creepy and I don’t want him to think that I want to him.

      It does happen sometimes. What can we say? We’re assholes. ;)

      • Larry Madill says:

        It’s not about being assholes I don’t think. Not every relationship is always about love. Sometimes it’s about a power exchange. Sometimes it’s about sex. Sometimes its about TV. All these things are good things. I’ve just learned to be uncomfortably honest about what I want from each relationship. That’s something I learned after my last relationship were the expectation was I’d just figured out when to want sex or when to do Whatever. Firstly I don’t want to ever do that again and secondly it’s better just to put it all out there at the risk of sacrificing a bit of the romance and just ask…

        If you can’t talk about sex with someone or ask them why they like Moons Over My Hammies instead of a Grand Slam Breakfast you shouldn’t be having sex with them at a Denny’s … Wait that’s not how that sentence is supposed to end.

        • Bitchy Librarian says:

          You know, that’s a really good point. And I think people aren’t really honest with themselves, let alone with other people, so that’s how expectations happen.

          In retrospect, I never should have seen that guy after the first date. Or I should have told him that I only wanted to see him because of The Walking Dead. That was kind of a dick move. Ah well.

          Ah well. Here’s to honesty and openness and fucking in a Denny’s. Wait, what?

          • Larry Madill says:

            You’ve obviously never seen a Denny’s in Hollywood…

          • Bitchy Librarian says:

            OBVIOUSLY. I have never even been to California before, asshole. Thanks for rubbing it in.

          • Larry Madill says:

            We are going to rectify that shortly and it will leave you with a blown mind

          • Bitchy Librarian says:

            I don’t even really like Denny’s. And we have to conference at some point, Larry. :P

  5. Lopielovesbooks says:

    Awkward dates are the worst. And I wouldn’t feel guilty at all. Dating is all about finding what you want, you don’t owe him anything and it’s weird that he keeps e-mailing you. You can either continue to ignore him or just say hey, I’m busy with other things in my life I’d appreciate it if you would just stop e-mailing me. I once went a date with a guy to a potter painting place and dinner. WORST first date place ever. It was very awkward and it went on forever since pottery takes forever to paint. He paid for everything, and it was expensive. I felt so guilty. We talked a few times on the phone and then nothing. I never did pick up my potter either.

    • Bitchy Librarian says:

      I think ignoring him is just the best. I’m worried that engaging him will make him more persistent.

      Oh god. That is SO awkward. And why there for a first date? I mean, I could see if you went out and you discovered your shared interest for pottery or something…

  6. BrewingLibMan says:

    Good choice ignoring his emails, serious stalker material there.

    I had a few “dates” with someone following my separation and I knew that she was using me for food/wine/access to cable, but I did not want to be alone at that point in my life…

    After I had some time to adjust, I was about to let her know that it wasn’t going to work when she let me know the same thing. I was OK with that, but she started stalking me and accused me of stalking her. I let her know that not everything was about her and haven’t heard from her since…

    Find someone who is good for you and OK with themselves and you are in good shape ;-)

    • Bitchy Librarian says:

      Oh, FFS, she accused YOU of stalking HER? What is wrong with people? Are there no sane people left in this world?

  7. chriskhansen says:

    Thanks for sharing. Guys are creepy. If a pretty woman shows us just a little attention then we have the potential to get crazy. I feel for you having to deal with someone like that. Hopefully he will get the message and move on.

    • Bitchy Librarian says:

      Yeah, this guy definitely had the crazy potential. Christ.

      I just don’t know what it will take. After 7 months of ignoring all of his weird emails (AFTER telling him I wasn’t interested in him), you’d think that he would’ve moved on. It’s just bizarre.

      I was in the reverse of a situation like this when I was in my late teens and while I may have sent some sad, mopey emails in the first WEEKS after the guy broke up with me, I moved on after that. I didn’t think it was so difficult.

  8. David Ray Perro says:

    Daaannnng! I got the creeps reading this. Take care.

  9. David Ray Perro says:

    To clarify, that comment was about Cookie Boy.

  10. John says:

    Wow, the guy is a creeper. Seriously.

    I really think I’m willing to give you a pass on the “went out for a meal and access to a TV show,” but if it were for less than a show of The Walking Dead’s caliber, well, I’d think less of you. But, I’ve been there with a TV show a time or two, and when money’s tight, well, you gotta eat.

    Just sorry you had to deal with a creeper lip sucker.

    • Bitchy Librarian says:

      Yeah. Total creeper. I shouldn’t have let things go beyond the meal. Haha.

      Hahaha. Thanks for giving me the pass, John. If I had been anything less than The Walking Dead, I wouldn’t have done it. It was just the lure of the zombies that sucked me up. And I ended up with my lips nearly sucked off my face in the process. Christ.

      The food didn’t even make up for the experience.

  11. Lou Lange says:

    Definitely creepster material…one would thing “the sounds of silence” would send the message loud and clear, but some guys get off on that. Hope things get better in that regard. Looking forward to the next podcast (and I’ll try to listen or call in this time)!