Let’s Talk About Sex

I spent a long time debating writing this post. The decision did not come easily to me, but in the end, it comes down to this: 2012 is the year I am being honest with myself. So prepare yourselves for some serious fucking honesty here people.

Contrary to popular belief, I am not a sex kitten.

Even before I was having sex, I was the one all my friends came to with their sex questions because I have always been well-read (quelle surprise!). I studied the anatomy sections of the medical encyclopedias my parents purchased for me when I was in middle school. I read dirty stories online. Hell, I knew what BDSM was before I graduated from high school. I knew what tentacle rape was, too, but I wish I could erase that from my brain.

In 2009, I did not have sex at all. No, not even once. My sex life preceding 2009 was really not that amazing either. And my sex life post-2009 included a lot of rejection. But people assumed that I was having sex. And lots of it. I don’t even know how such assumptions arose. Do I exude sex appeal? I’m not sure why. My sexual experience is actually quite limited, despite the fact that I was married for six years.

I feel kind of like a baby giraffe in bed. All awkward, with limbs everywhere. I mean, I realize that sex isn’t like the Icecapdes. It isn’t always supposed to be graceful, but I feel like I should know that that leg goes here or that I should move there for that position. I am quite lucky that my current partner just basically drags me into the next position. That doesn’t sound all that sexy, but it really is. I guess it just makes me feel like it’s okay that I’m not this uber sex goddess.

My biggest problem is getting over the sexual rejection. There’s a lot of hurt still lurking under the surface. Feelings of undesirability. Worries that I’m not attractive enough. I’m terrified to initiate sex because what if I get rejected? Honestly, would it be the end of the world? I have it so built up in my head that it would be in the end of the world, but I need to learn to separate my past from what’s happening now, in the present.

Maybe someday I will be a sex kitten. But for now, I’m just a girl who had her first orgasm from oral sex at the age of 28.

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25 Responses to “Let’s Talk About Sex”

  1. Ronald10021 says:

    What a brave and honest post.
    Of course now I have more questions than answers.
    I’m wondering if your first orgasm was with your husband, or with a different man, or perhaps a woman?
    I wonder what sort of sexual rejection you’ve experienced, and how, because I couldn’t imagine someone turning you down (a) because men are pigs and (b) because you are really smart, and that is a huge turn-on.

    • Bitchy Librarian says:

      I feel like this is a step in helping me get over my issues, you know?

      My first orgasm was with myself. HA.

      I really don’t want to talk a lot in detail about the rejection I’ve experienced because 1) it involves someone else and he didn’t ask for me to be an “internet celebrity” who posts about her life on a blog and 2) I really don’t want to dredge up past hurts. And I don’t know why I was rejected either. So there’s that.

  2. John says:

    At first, I thought I read “first orgasm at 28,” and I was sad for you. Heck, I still am sad for you, but hooray for having a partner who knows how to use his tongue!

    Sex rejection is really, really difficult to get over. From either side of the bed.

    But, yes, you do exude sex . . . though that could be your pleasure maker’s influence.

    • Bitchy Librarian says:

      Oh god, if I would’ve just had my first orgasm at 28, I think I would’ve killed myself. But I realized recently that it had been TEN YEARS since I had oral sex and the oral sex I had 10 years ago really sucked. So yay for that at least!

      It really is. It’s difficult to put yourself back out there after you’re in the mindset that it could go horribly wrong. I’m trying to get out of that mindset, but it’s been tricky.

      Haha, perhaps there is some of that influence, I don’t know. :) I definitely think I exude more sex now that I ever did before.

  3. mspad says:

    I am going to do the typical male thing and personalize what you wrote. My rule is put it all out there because what we think is too scandalous or embarrassing is what people are thinking anyway. I commend you for your bravery.

    As for the rejection piece – I got the topper for you. Back in my dating days, I had a woman tell me as I am inside her “I’m not enjoying this.” How is THAT for rejection.

    And don’t worry about what limb goes where. Just be present in the moment and be happy someone is naked with you :-)

    • Bitchy Librarian says:

      I always personalize things, too! Does that make me a typical male? :) But seriously, I appreciate things like that because it makes me feel better for putting MYSELF out there.

      Oh god. That is fucking awful. I once woke someone up and told them I was horny and got, “Well, what do you want ME to do about it?” So I think that’s basically equally bad. Rejection is shitty either way it goes.

      Yes, you are so right. It’s clear that I’m overthinking everything, which is what I’m good at. :)

  4. Hardin Reddy says:

    This is a revealing post that took some courage to share. Which is a starting point. Sex is awkward for virtually everyone at first, not only due to the intricacies of the positions, but also because you are baring yourself, physically and emotionally, to your partner–and yourself. A good partner will encourage you and please you, creating that seed of confidence you need to let go and truly enjoy yourself. It sounds like you have both the partner and the seed.

    • Bitchy Librarian says:

      Exactly. That’s the point exactly. Sharing this is part of my process of getting over my issues.

      There is always some awkwardness, and I guess I’m just getting frustrated with myself because I feel like I should already be good at it. I expect too much of myself.

      And I finally feel like I can enjoy myself during sex. I feel so confident in every other aspect of my life, except sex, but I’m getting there. I think you’re right about the partner and the seed of confidence.

  5. scrufflibrarian says:

    Wow. I’m impressed and humbled by such an honest peice of writing. It’s so easy to play up a public persona that just goes with people’s perceptions, but laying out the truth in public must be so much harder — but cathartic, hopefully. This must have taken some real courage to post and I’m so happy that you’re making such positive strides in this (and so many other) aspects of your life.

    In brief response to one of your comment replies, I just want to say how great it is to see you (and Winey) using your so-called “Internet famous” powers for good, for each other and for your followers, instead of being wrapped up in the snark, melodrama and narcissism that must be an easy temptation :)

    • Bitchy Librarian says:

      I thought that maybe if I wrote about it publicly, it would help me let go of some of my issues. The jury is still out about that, so we’ll see. Yes, it was definitely cathartic. But mostly, I’m done being and overly sexualized version of myself. I just want to be ME. So not only was it a step in helping let go of my issues, it was also a step in letting go of that perception of me (or at least I hope it was). I’ve been thinking about posting something like this for awhile, and it was definitely a relief to hit the publish button.

      I feel a lot more true to myself now than I ever did before. It’s definitely easy to get wrapped up in the bullshit of the online world, but it’s also easy to be yourself. I wish more people would realize that.

  6. Shit, this totally thwarts my plans for a commissioned new series of smut by actual librarians.

    More seriously, incredibly honest. It’s often been said that for women, life begins at 30. Take it easy, babe. You’ll get there. All the time in the world.

    • Bitchy Librarian says:

      HAHA. I’m sure you’ll still have lots of people who could participate. :) And if you want a contribution from an awkward baby giraffe, you know where to find me. ;)

      And you’re right. I know I’m being too hard on myself a lot of the time. I just want to be good at everything right away and I feel like I SHOULD be since I was in relationship for so long.

      • :) You know, I just tried doing a full-text search for the phrase “femme de trente ans” amongst my smut, but the server was getting slow after the 37th match, and I got a customer online who’s about to pay my kid’s daycare for next month with the contents of his shopping cart if he can checkout unmolested. We were up to books starting with D on the search. I vaguely recall a few of the accounts being flattering, but most of my stuff’s written by dudes for dudes, so it’s more about divorcee takes on the soccer team… then the team dads, then the soccer poles themselves, or perhaps the mascots.

        Anyway, as someone who also had quite a bit of book larnin’ years before getting around to assembling an, ahem, sordid personal history, I’d want to counsel: take a break from thinking about sex. It’s all right there within you. This weekend, load up on some booze and the classics: Karate Kid*, Legend of Drunken Master, Fists of Fury, The Last Dragon–all the movies that tell us that what’s blocking us lies within ourselves, and then illustrate this through kicking. Serious, hard-core kicking that you might want to study up on for use against your more difficult patrons.

        OK, might be projecting utility there. My site was updated in a timely fashion; I ain’t on the clock again with kid until after 5 p.m.; and after a tough day when she tested my limits like she was a 22-month-old or something, I handed her monitoring off to another and loaded up on some booze to watch 36th Chamber of Shaolin. Besides, I remember when Jackie Chan first got big in the states, women–educated women–thought he was the shit. Like, a New Yorker essay calling him the new Gene Kelly or something. So mebbe you can’t watch him without thinking of sex. If you think that’s you, download some vids of Jackie singing karaoke. This’ll probably disabuse you of the urge.

        And then you can begin the end game on self-discovery to figure out it was all there for you, all along. Ideally without ’80s hair, but whatevs, as long as you give us a photo in a denim mini.

        /EIP if you want insights from personal sordid history.

        *The real one. With Ralph Macchio and Pat Morita. Sorry for any Jackie Chan confusion.

  7. Wine Librarian says:

    I am so so proud of you and feel grateful every single day that you are my friend. I love you.

  8. Ronald10021 says:

    Thanks for the reply. You need not answer any of my questions, and the “first orgasm question” was really a “who helped you achieve orgasm through oral sex question” but you need not answer that either.

    Know that lots of people find you smart, funny, interesting, engaging and very sexy.

  9. vodkaandlemons says:

    Crap, I have never had an orgasm that was not self induced… I’m sad for me. Good on ya, rejection, I think, turns out to be the rejectors loss every time.

    • Bitchy Librarian says:

      Don’t be sad for you! I’m just now getting past that point.

      Yes, I think you’re right about rejection being like that. Or at least that’s what I want to believe. :)

  10. acgercak says:

    I think it is incredibly refreshing that a woman is being 100% honest about sex. The women I know rarely, if ever, talk about their sexuality or even feel confident about sex. Congratulations on starting the process of NOT sticking your head in the sand. Live it. Love it. Fuck it. Be sexy, if only for yourself!

    • Bitchy Librarian says:

      I don’t understand why there isn’t more honesty about sex. It’s silly, really. What’s the point of hiding behind lies? I mean, I may not feel the most confident about sex, but I’m not afraid to admit it.

      Thank you! :) And exactly. I’m doing this for myself.

  11. Suniverse says:

    How did I not know you were blogging? Hooray!

    Discussing sex is terrifying, unless you are drunk, at which point it’s just too much to handle.

    Kudos to you for being honest.

    And now, I need to start my 10 Day Purge.

    • Bitchy Librarian says:

      Yes! Winey and I are blogging together. It’s been fun so far. :)

      It really is terrifying. But it’s been good for me to get out. I feel a lot better because of it. And yeah, talking about sex when you’re drunk is NEVER a good thing.

      Definitely start your #tendaypurge and let us know how it goes! :)

  12. FireMom says:

    I can’t discuss sex on my blogs. Boo.

    But hooray for oral sex orgasms! (I FINALLY remembered to add this to my reader. Not that I read my reader. I fail.)

    • Bitchy Librarian says:

      Boo. I bet you’d have a lot to say about sex, too.

      OMFG. Right? Yay for oral sex indeed. I don’t even USE a reader. I suck at blogs in general.