I spent a long time debating writing this post. The decision did not come easily to me, but in the end, it comes down to this: 2012 is the year I am being honest with myself. So prepare yourselves for some serious fucking honesty here people.
Contrary to popular belief, I am not a sex kitten.
Even before I was having sex, I was the one all my friends came to with their sex questions because I have always been well-read (quelle surprise!). I studied the anatomy sections of the medical encyclopedias my parents purchased for me when I was in middle school. I read dirty stories online. Hell, I knew what BDSM was before I graduated from high school. I knew what tentacle rape was, too, but I wish I could erase that from my brain.
In 2009, I did not have sex at all. No, not even once. My sex life preceding 2009 was really not that amazing either. And my sex life post-2009 included a lot of rejection. But people assumed that I was having sex. And lots of it. I don’t even know how such assumptions arose. Do I exude sex appeal? I’m not sure why. My sexual experience is actually quite limited, despite the fact that I was married for six years.
I feel kind of like a baby giraffe in bed. All awkward, with limbs everywhere. I mean, I realize that sex isn’t like the Icecapdes. It isn’t always supposed to be graceful, but I feel like I should know that that leg goes here or that I should move there for that position. I am quite lucky that my current partner just basically drags me into the next position. That doesn’t sound all that sexy, but it really is. I guess it just makes me feel like it’s okay that I’m not this uber sex goddess.
My biggest problem is getting over the sexual rejection. There’s a lot of hurt still lurking under the surface. Feelings of undesirability. Worries that I’m not attractive enough. I’m terrified to initiate sex because what if I get rejected? Honestly, would it be the end of the world? I have it so built up in my head that it would be in the end of the world, but I need to learn to separate my past from what’s happening now, in the present.
Maybe someday I will be a sex kitten. But for now, I’m just a girl who had her first orgasm from oral sex at the age of 28.