Fear and Being Less of a Woman

So it’s been a while since I’ve written on this blog now that I’m all fancy over at the bosslady blog. But, I have a big day at the doctor’s tomorrow and I am a wee bit depressed about it before I even know what she’ll say. You see, I feel like a complete wimp for saying this, but I feel like less of a woman having to consider what I am considering. If reading about my emotions and my uterus are not your thing, feel free to skip this post. I completely understand.

I have a condition that is wreaking havoc (and has been for years) on my uterus called adenomyosis (please feel free not to google). The whole damn thing has all gone to hell. At first, I was misdiagnosis. This diagnosis is actually a bit worse because some options for ending periods that work for things like cysts, won’t work for me. For some conditions, end the period and you end the pain. But this has become worse than that.  I’ve been body scanned, MRIed, xrayed, poked, prodded, and medicated. The only cure is removal of the organ. Interim cures, including birth control pills, gave me whole different side effects like making me completely emotional unstable, weight gain, oh and stroke risk. So, my new doctor and I decided that was not the best course of action. Mentally, since being off the pill for the past three months I feel so much better. But the pain is now not just during my period, it is almost everyday and it makes everyday uncomfortable. Last night was possibly one of the worst nights ever and I can’t live on pain killers forever (which actually just dull the pain). I have medication right now for pain and to control the blood loss, but it makes me sick to my stomach. So that’s a great choice.

I know what I need to do and I know what is best. But, there is this part of me that feels like if I get my uterus removed, I will be less of a woman. I mean, isn’t the uterus the actual symbol of our femininity?  I’ve been so happy in the past few years to really find myself and be comfortable with my own sexuality like never before in my life and then I turn around and get smacked with having to give up this life giving organ. But, as a consolation, I keep my ovaries!

It is almost a secondary consideration (but one that I act like really makes it a hard decision) that the recovery time is around six weeks and I have this new job and all of this responsibility and OMG how will I survive? (And if you’re wondering, yes @bitchylibrarian swears she will take care of me THOUGH I DO NOT NEED ANYONE TO DO THAT.) Plus, it is a major surgery (I am hoping to talk laproscopic surgery tomorrow) and there are risks associated with that. But, I am hoping that I can get over the fact that my ladybits have given up and if I want to live a pain free existence, it’s time to let it go.

And I know plenty of people have worse health decisions to make and just harder things to think about and take action upon in their lives. I do. I feel like a baby for complaining at all. But there you have. Winey is a big baby about her uterus.

Anyway, here’s to health.


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3 Responses to “Fear and Being Less of a Woman”

  1. Yeti Detective says:

    I’m sorry this difficult ordeal has been visited on you.

  2. Pam says:

    Had same condition and had robotic hysterectomy on Jan 8 (my birthday). Put it off and put it off but finally got to the same point as you. I’m 52 and kept thinking menopause has to happen soon but it didn’t. You have my sympathy and understanding. I hope you can come to terms with the surgery. Emotions overrule rationality when we lose a part of ourselves which is symbolic of the female in us.

  3. @vodkaandlemons says: