Embracing My Inner Alpha

It’s no secret that I can be a hardass bitch (in fact, it’s recently been established that I really am a bitch). I talk too loud when it isn’t always appropriate. I curse like a sailor. I’m a sassy motherfucker. I tell dead baby jokes when there’s a priest behind me (to be fair, I had NO IDEA the priest was behind me). People confuse my walking for stomping (I call it “confidence”). I can be intimidating and overwhelming (though, I honestly don’ t know how I can manage to intimidate anyone). I like to win and I can turn anything into a game, but only if I know I’m going to be the victor. I never back down from a challenge, even when I wasn’t even overtly challenged in the first place. I like to be in control and I feel very uncomfortable when I’m in situations where I experience loss of control (being lost is the worst for me). I can be really bossy, without even quite realizing it.

The truth is, I’m an alpha. There, I said it. I’m not sure why it’s taken me so long to accept something that was clearly quite obvious to everyone around me. I think I’ve always had alpha tendencies, but they’d been latent, hidden inside of me. Believe it or not, I used to be quite shy and timid once upon a time. From my perspective on life now, it seems almost impossible to believe that I wasn’t always this strong, confident person. But I wasn’t.

I was once so emotionally broken that I never could have imagined that I could reach this point in my life. I thought this level of happiness and confidence was impossible. The summer I turned 19, I ate multivitamins as a meal because that was all I could stomach. When people rudely ask me if I’ve ever had an eating disorder because of my size, sometimes I’m not sure if I should say yes. Do those few months of choking back a multivitamin at lunchtime, then saying I had a late lunch when my parents asked why I wasn’t eating much at dinner count as an eating disorder? Maybe. Probably.

Then, at some point in my life, it was like something snapped inside of me and I became this whole new person. I gained a new perspective on life and lost the passivity. I have a much more dominant personality than I ever did before. In fact, just last week, one of my coworkers casually suggested that I should think about becoming a professional Domme for some extra money. While I would look damn good in a black leather bustier and thigh high stiletto boots, I don’t think that’s something I could ever do with a straight face.

I’m not sure why it’s taken me so long to accept my status as an alpha female. Maybe because they’re so reviled and stigmatized for being so aggressive, competitive, and bitchy. It’s kind of disheartening to be told that you’re overwhelming and intimidating. I certainly don’t set out to unconsciously overwhelm or intimidate people (there are those instances when intimidation is necessary, of course, though, again, I don’t know how I can intimidate anyone). I don’t tend to mind being looked at as a bitch because I don’t see that as a bad thing. I’ve been told that I’m “kind of a dick,” and I wear that badge of honor proudly.

But lately, I’ve reached the point where I’m starting not to care what people think of me. If you can’t handle my sometimes abrasive (and supposedly overwhelming and intimidating personality), then I’m leaning more towards that’s your problem and not mine. I don’t ever want to go back to that broken person who treated multivitamins as meals. That person was not me. This happy, loud, obnoxious, aggressive person is really who I am.

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4 Responses to “Embracing My Inner Alpha”

  1. Hardin Reddy says:

    Own who you are. You live with yourself all the time. You ought to enjoy it, without guilt.

    • Bitchy Librarian says:

      I’ve had lots of people make me feel like shit about who I am, which I feel is unfair. And rude.

  2. DR Perrrro says:

    Yay Bitchy! Love the real you.

    By the way, there’s no rule that says you gotta have a straight face while wearing stilettos.

  3. Lou Lange says:

    You have been through quite a lot and have come out on top. There’s nothing wrong with being who you are if you are totally comfortable with it. And I fully agree, you are a sassy, brassy woman and a lot of fun to be around (even if only in the twitterverse)!