Being Thankful, 2013 edition

I know it’s been a million years since I’ve posted anything here. I’ve gotten bad at blogging publicly.

But it’s almost Thanksgiving! And that means it’s time for me to post all the things for which I am thankful, and there are a lot of them. 2012 was an awesome year, but 2013 has been even better. Sometimes I have difficulties wrapping my head around how much my life has changed in the past two years. It seems hard to believe that I spent Thanksgiving 2011 basically alone, but this year, I’ll be celebrating the holiday surrounded by people I love.

So yes, I have many things to be thankful for. Here is my random list of things I’ve thankful for, complete with PHOTOS.

  • LASIK. LASIK has completely changed my life. I’ve been glasses-free for almost six months and now that I’m finally used to not wearing glasses, I can’t believe I didn’t do this sooner! I’m also proud of myself for taking the plunge and just doing it. LASIK has been something I’ve always thought about doing, but I’d always make up excuses for not getting it done.

    20131109_102453

    BEST FRIENDS 4EVER.

  • My best friend. I never really had a best friend until I met @winelibrarian. Friends usually tend to drift away from me. I’m not sure if that’s my fault or theirs or if that just kind of happens in life. But it’s been so amazing to finally have a friend that just gets me, who will talk me down off the ledge if I need it, and who will also either physically or verbally smack me upside the head if I need it (ha!). We’ve both been through a lot of ups and downs in our lives since we’ve known each other and I’m thankful that we’ve been able to experience them together. Winey is the strongest, most gorgeous, most generous person I know and I’m so very thankful to have her in my life. I love you, M!
  • My job. There are a lot of times I’m frustrated at work by things that are outside of my control, but I love what I do and I love where I work. I strongly believe in making a difference in the community where you work, and I know that we are doing great things at my library.
  • RENTER’S INSURANCE. This is a huge one right now. For those of you who missed my ranting on Twitter, my apartment was broken into earlier this month, and while the police caught three of the people involved, two more got away with some of our things. I am so thankful that I had the foresight to choose the best renter’s insurance plan. With the help of the insurance check, I’ve been able to replace most of the things that were stolen.

    The Boy totally indulged me with the whole duck thing.

    The Boy totally indulged me with the whole duck thing.

  • The Boy. I am the most thankful that he took a giant leap of faith and moved to Cleveland to be with me. No one had ever made that kind of sacrifice for me and I appreciate it so much. I’m thankful for our random adventures, even if they turn out kind of weird (good day m’lord!). I’m thankful that he accepts me as I am and that we can be total dorks together. I’m thankful for all the kisses and cuddles and butt grabs and laughs. I’m thankful for all the times I come home and all the laundry and dishes are done and dinner’s almost ready to eat. I love you, D and I’m so thankful that he’s in my life!
  • Cooking. This year, I’ve really come to love cooking again. I enjoy cooking with and for the Boy and I’m thankful that he’s adventurous as I am when it comes to food (probably MORE adventurous, really). We’ve tried a lot of new recipes since he moved in and we’ve only had a few kitchen disasters. Protip: don’t put a jar of salsa on top of the oven and expect it not be burning hot a half hour later.
  • Twitter. Of course, Twitter, I am always thankful for you. I’ve met so many awesome people through Twitter and I’m thankful for each and every friendship I’ve made. Twitter kept me sane during my darkest days and I will never forget that. I’m also thankful that people have embraced my “rebranding” and are still with me now that I’m @sarainthestacks. As an aside, it feels kind of weird to be blogging as bitchylibrarian.
  • G and J. Watching you grow over the past year has been very humbling. I am thankful that you still consider me cool enough to be in your lives and act as your confidant (more G than J on that one). I am constantly in awe of the things you can accomplish from math games to 5ks, and I will always be proud to be your honorary Aunt Sara.
  • My family. My parents have always been my number 1 supporters and I’m so thankful that they’ve been so accepting of the people in my life. They’ve pretty much adopted @winelibrarian and they’ve been super welcoming to the Boy.

Enjoy your Thanksgiving, everyone! Eat too much pie, fall asleep while watching football, but don’t forget to take time to think about all the good things in life. It’s easy to get caught up in the negative, so take a step back, and just be thankful for everything you have.

Tags: , , , ,

  • Digg
  • Del.icio.us
  • StumbleUpon
  • Reddit
  • Twitter
  • RSS

On Thankfulness, 2013 edition

So, it’s that time of year. We’re all thankful or maybe we feel like assholes because we’re not. But, whatever, because really I am so very, very, very thankful this year. I’ve had a lot of changes in the last year and I can honestly say I have never feel more alive or happier ever. Therefore, without further ado, I give you my list of things I am thankful for this year. Some of this may be vague and not make sense, but if it doesn’t make sense to you, too bad. It’s my blog :p (I have had some wine. Bear with me.)

These are in no particular order. Also, I have no idea how many I will write. Let’s see how this goes.

  • Twitter. I am thankful for you. There are a lot of people on here whom I really like, some I more than like. But, some of the most important people I have in my life, I met because of Twitter. I have Facebook and I use it occasionally, but I hate it. It’s filled with a lot of people I know because I had to know, but I have little in common with anymore except maybe genetics or high school. Twitter is the opposite. It’s people I found because we had things in common and now I loves them.
  • My grandma. The single most important person throughout my life. She continues to simultaneously inspire and annoy the shit out of me.
  • My pets. Unconditional love is a good thing.
  • My job. I really do love it. A lot. My Students. This is related to the job. They are a joy and it’s so fantastic to watch them learn.
  • The Summer of 2013. For so, so many reasons. It was the summer of just fucking do it and so many wonderful and amazing things came out of it.
  • My House. It is my very own and I love it.
  • My best friend. To be able to snort laugh with someone, talk about your vagina, talk to your beer, and just know that other person will always be there for you is an amazing feeling. My friendship with @sarainthestacks is the first one where I have always felt like I can be myself and one in which I know she will always be there for me. Without her, I have no idea if I would have made it through the last few years (she would say I would have). She is the kindest, most beautiful (and completely naiive, haha!) person. Sara, I love you.
  • Kissing. Do I need to elaborate here?
  • Laughing. I did so much more of this in 2013. Thank goodness. It feels really good.
  • Music.  Beyond my completely healthy obsession with The National, I have discovered so much music that I love this year and well that makes me happy.
  • G and J. I love you both more than words. Thank you for forcing me to see the good in this world.
  • Books. I am thankful I’ve found my love of reading again.
  • My Resolve. I am thankful I found my happiness, changed my life, and remained strong through all of the ups and downs.
  • Cleveland. I love, love my new city and my home and if you don’t? Good. Because you don’t know what you’re missing and it’s still super affordable here. So stay out.
  • I am thankful for winery trips and baseball games (even ones that don’t happen), and museum wandering, hand holding, sweet kisses, cemetery visits, concerts, cooking, cuddles, Movie Dogs, wine (did I say that?), falling asleep on the phone, movies, PBS nerd outs, and the country of Wegmans.
  • I am thankful for The List.
  • Wine. Mostly just red. LOL.
  • D. I am so thankful for you. You make me think and smile every day. Always. Thank you for coming to Cincinnati with me and everything since. Well, and before. <3

Happy Thanksgiving, Internet. :) I know I missed things or people. For everyone who has been there for me, shared some kindness, tweeted cute pictures to me, or shared part of my life, I am thankful for you :)

Tags: , , ,

  • Digg
  • Del.icio.us
  • StumbleUpon
  • Reddit
  • Twitter
  • RSS

On Forgiveness: The WL Feelings Edition, Part I

Today is a beautiful day. The leaves are fabulous shades of red, yellow, and orange. The air is crisp and the sun is shining.

Today, is also beautiful because I signed my divorce papers. With a pen. I sort of wish I could sign them in a more dramatic fashion with a quill and ink or maybe blood, but they are signed. There’s still more waiting and a judge and everything, but there is an agreement in place and they are signed. Yay, party, right?

Immediately after this monumental five minutes of my life, I sobbed. I sat in my car in a parking lot and just let it out. It’s not sad crying like OH MY GOD, NOW WHAT? It was OH MY GOD, I JUST SPENT YEARS OF MY LIFE FEELING ANGRY, SAD, UNLOVED, AND UNAPPRECIATED. I AM AN IDIOT. Jesus, my poor feels.

I am super, super private about my feelings and my relationships, so why am I sharing this? Well, it’s cathartic, it’s therapeutic, and maybe someone out there reading this is going through similar emotions in life right now and they will read my fabulous words of wisdom and forgive themselves and their ex. That’s my goal.

Let’s get to the forgiveness then.

So, self, I forgive you. In fact, I applaud you for trying your best, making decisions you thought were good and sound, and adding a couple of fantastic things to the universe in the process. I forgive you for shutting down when you felt you had to in order to preserve any part of your self. I forgive you for staying because you thought it was what was best. I applaud you for figuring out it was time to go and protecting those you love most. I forgive you for “giving up” and becoming another statistic in failed marriages. I applaud you, self, for wanting true happiness out of life, for not settling for anything less, and for doing all of the hard things you did to get to it. And I forgive you for feeling like you caved in settlement talks because you just wanted to get it over with.

And to my ex (if you still stalk me and read this), I forgive you, too. I could air a laundry list of grievances here, but that’s not my style. (And I will admit that I will need to keep working on this forgiveness part because hating you is wrong and a waste of energy.)

Life is good and I am where and who I am, sharing my life and my happiness now with very special people, because of my past. Of course, @sarainthestacks had to point out to me earlier, post-sobbing, that I have nothing to be angry about and that if I didn’t make the same life choices, maybe I wouldn’t have the same things (and people) in my life right now. Thanks, Sara, per usual. I love you.

In the end, nothing that you once cared about was a waste of time.

I am about to turn 40 in a little over a month and I am starting Life: Phase II. I couldn’t be happier and more excited about all of the things I will do, see, and share. And I am most looking forward to my 40th birthday and the best Thanksgiving in the history of the universe this year. I really have so much to be thankful for. <3

Tags: , , ,

  • Digg
  • Del.icio.us
  • StumbleUpon
  • Reddit
  • Twitter
  • RSS

The Evolution of An Online Persona: Or a Softer, Gentler Winelibrarian

I have been thinking of writing this post for some time now, but forcing myself to sit down and write this has been a hard thing to do. You see, I am a drastically different person today than I was two years ago. And an even more drastically different person than I was three, four, or five years ago and my metamorphosis over the last few years is all right there in my online identity really; mainly in my Twitter account @winelibrarian.

It’s hard to write this because it would be easy to blame people for some of the things that happened to me or name names of people who lied about me and did not have my best interests at heart in our relationships. It would be easy to do a lot of that and spill a lot of sordid details in a blog post, but where would that get me? People that hate me now for who they knew two or three years ago and stalk me to this day will continue to do so no matter what I write, say, do, or become. That’s their choice. Additionally, it would be easy to blame my ex and detail his problems and blame them for why things went wrong and why that lead me to create a Twitter account and act like an ass sometimes. But, he doesn’t deserve that. There’s enough blame to go around, I am sure. Bygones.

A couple of weeks ago, a friend whom I met on Twitter and know also now in “real life” said, “You guys are both totally different people than when I first started following you,” to me and @sarainthestacks. That’s an understatement. Anyway, that comment is what made me think that maybe I should, you know, blog my feels about this change.

When I first created @winelibrarian at ALA in 2010, I did it to be snarky and funny and totally bitchy. Boy, did I succeed. Before long I had *hundreds* of followers. I was funny. This was fun. It was the perfect life distraction. My job at the time was super stressful and OMG I hated some of my coworkers, but I had Twitter. And I had great friends on Twitter (mostly), who would not judge me and would play Twitter with me all day at work if I wanted to. Then, something else happened on Twitter. You see, I was fairly anonymous back in the day and something about being an anonymous, sexy librarian got me attention from men. This was something I was totally not used to.

Along the way, Bitchy (@sarainthestacks) and I became really good friends. We had some others too, but this is my story, so I am leaving them out. Sara and I realized that we had A LOT in common. We first talked on the phone in 2010 when her then husband had to be hospitalized. A few months later, I went to Cleveland, from Texas, to visit! As we talked, we realized we were both really unhappy. And like moths to a flame, we were drawn to other unhappy people. Together, we talked, and bitched, and complained, and drank (a lot), and raged about everything.

Boy, that was healthy.

Then, there were the suggestive avatars that we would use (yes, some of them really were quite sexy). The Wednesday bra shots. We even had the matchy-matchy ones. She and I both loved the attention because, well, we weren’t getting any from our significant others, why not let strangers tell us we were beautiful and hot? So, there we were, hot, lonely bitches, complaining about everything all day on the Internet. By then, there were thousands of followers, lots of haters, and too much attention.

So, what happened?

One day, we decided to change our lives, our attitudes, and be happy. Yep, it was that easy.

Neither of us are in relationships with the people we were back then. Neither of us are in the same friend or acquaintance circles that let us become such negative people. Both of us are really happy with our lives.

In the process of coming to this major change in attitude (and all of the life changes I’ve gone through), I stopped needing the adoration, attention, or anything else from the Internet. I am pretty freaking amazing. I know that and the people who are in my life now know that and tell me that every now and then :) . What I did, starting in 2012, was reveal more of myself through my Twitter and make @winelibrarian into actual me, Michelle, instead of the anonymous librarian sex kitten she once was. Do I really love shoes and stockings and knee socks like I always acted I did? WELL, YES. Some of that was actually me in there. I saw the revelation and changing of my Twitter persona to be somewhat of a taking back my Twitter and making it something I liked again. The first thing I did was show my actual face, mostly so that people could see that I really am quite adorable. (And so that my haters could suck it.) After I moved to Cleveland, I put my location on there too. Another reason I chose to reveal more of myself is because people were threatening to reveal my information or tell my boss. I will never forget when I told my old boss about my Twitter and she said, “that’s nice. why would anyone think I would care.” I don’t know why I thought people would care, but oh well. I don’t reveal the exact college where I work, though a lot of my followers know, because I do consider my account to be a personal account where I sometimes talk about professional stuff, but never where I represent my employer. I mean, I tweet as much about college football and Mad Men as I do libraries (or more, really).

I will still never Tweet about the things most personal and dear to me and I’ve made that choice because 1) the Internet is creepy sometimes and 2) somethings really should be kept to oneself.

I often wonder why anyone still follows me on Twitter. I think I’m pretty boring and definitely not as exciting as I once was when the Internet knew there would be a sexy new Wednesday avi with a bra and pearls. I guess some people must still think I am interesting. I hope it’s not too disappointing to people that I am just a normal woman who is not really that sexy, completely clumsy, and sometimes really fragile.  I lose interest in Twitter a lot because most of the time now I want to just tweet “OH MY GOD, I AM SO HAPPY. WHY ARE THESE GOOD THINGS HAPPENING TO ME?” but I go back to just thinking that I will keep most of my mushy, happy thoughts to myself. I have almost tweeted about magical kisses and really, really liking someone, but that’s none of anyone’s business either ;) So, yeah, I will stick to the football tweets.

What I told my friend a couple of weeks ago after his remark on how much I’ve changed was, “Well, yes, I was a really sad and lonely woman. Amazing how different things are when you are happy.” Or something like that. We had had a lot beers.

In the end, three years after we met on Twitter because I was jealous that her Twitter name was bitchylibrarian and *I* wanted to be The Bitchylibrarian, I owe so much to my best friend @sarainthestacks. Without her patiently listening to me, always, and guiding me through some agonizing decisions, I might still be the undersexed, exhibitionist all over the Twitter. So, I guess you have her to blame. LOL. In seriousness, I thank her for her unwavering friendship and guidance and I am happy that we are both truly happy. And I will always find it funny that while we found this amazing, wonderful friendship in each other, both of our exes blame the other one for the demise of our marriages. Ha!

Tags: , , , ,

  • Digg
  • Del.icio.us
  • StumbleUpon
  • Reddit
  • Twitter
  • RSS

On Music: Or Why I am the World’s Biggest Fangirl of The National

If you follow me on the Twitter, you may have noticed that I love am slightly obsessed with The National. I’m a fangirl. I’ve pretty much never ever been a fangirl of anything in music, teevee, movies ever in my life like this. OK, I do really love Mad Men, but I’m not sure I would wait in line for hours to see Don Draper…well, maybe that’s not a good example. Anyway, my point is, I really love The National. And frankly, if you listen to them and you don’t love them too? I’m not even sure we can ever be friends. I take my love that seriously.

So, let me explain. For me, The National makes me so, so happy. I love them. I have only seen them twice, but the first time I actually cried at one point and it was like Christmas and I was five. I was so glad that someone special to me like @bitchylibrarian experienced that with me. I bought those tickets for my birthday. :) Live, they are fucking amazing. I really do love them all, but Matt’s voice? It’s like liquid sex topped with bacon and honey. It’s fucking beautiful. Someone recently told me they couldn’t understand him because he mumbles and I thought, “ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE? THAT VOICE IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING I HAVE MAYBE EVER HEARD.” Literally, whenever I have a hard time or maybe when I’m just a little wined out, I just need to lay in bed and listen to him and aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Peace.

The National is my personal symbol of when I found peace in my life. They are like my own music soundtrack. I’ve never really experienced music in a way as deeply as I have with this band and with music in general as I have in the last three years or so. When my whole life sort of unraveled, I started to listen to music and in a much different way than I ever had before and I listened to different music because well, I just did. I got lost in it. In 2010 at one of life’s low points, I found High Violet. Terrible Love was beautiful.

It takes an ocean not to break.

For my life at that point, it was perfect.

When you lose something, well, finally let go of some thing toxic in order to save yourself and protect others, there’s a point where you think you might never, ever recover. But, when you make the choice and get out and say goodbye to someone before it brings you down, you find your peace.

But, I won’t follow you into the rabbit hole.

Peace.

Within days, I basically downloaded and obsessively listened to every single album The National put out. Every song. That voice. The music. It was beautiful and sad and tragic and happy? Well, it made me fucking happy. I was hooked.

Enter the song “Start a War.” Oh. Em. Gee. I will never love a song and hate it at the same time like this one, I am fairly certain.

Walk away now and you’re going to start a war.

Sigh.

I spent hours listening to The National. Sobbing. Usually in the bathtub. That money I spent on itunes was so much better spent than my therapist. It didn’t ask me how something made me feel, it just made me feel it, let it go, and be strong again. The music is so beautiful. They lyrics are such poetry.

Peace.

And now, they’ve become one of the most important things to me…the new me. The one who wanted more for herself and wanted to be happy. She loves The National. And loves life to its fullest. Peace and happiness.

If you’ve never had a song, or piece of music, touch you deep down inside of your soul, you haven’t listened to the right song. The song that just makes you stop and listen and pause. And find your peace. And makes you turn it up so loud that you can feel it.

The National got me through a lot of sorrow. (ha, that’s so funny and if you don’t get it, boo on you).

Sorrow found me when I was young. Sorrow waited, sorrow won. Sorrow they put me on the pill. It’s in my honey, it’s in my milk.

Fucking hell, right? Sigh.

But, The National didn’t make me sad. It made me happy. It helped me heal my soul. Their music helped me process and get rid of my sadness. I mean, hello? All The Wine, people.

I’m a perfect piece of ass. (Clearly, this is my theme song, no?) …. I’m a festival. I’m a parade. And all the wine is all for me.

I have probably drank 25 bottles of wine to that song.

And Cardinal Song. For serious. Fucking beautiful. There’s no other description. so….but anyway….

Jesus Christ, you have confused me. Cornered, wasted, blessed and used me.

Also? Best lyric ever? Maybe.

Didn’t anybody tell you how to gracefully disappear in a room?

I am at this new stage of my life and really am so happy about my life and my future. I freaking love Cleveland and Ohio. And The National are even from Ohio! :) (Could this get any cheesier?) I saw them a few weeks ago again in Cincinnati. It. Was. Amazing.

Because it’s the summer of just-fucking-do-it (I declared), I bought VIP tickets and we had front and center (and had air conditioning and cheap beer to balance out the not cheap beer) and I stood in the pouring rain, of course, before they came out. (I may have been tipsy and aided by one @bitchylibrarian in the buying of those tickets and I am not sad one bit). Best of all, I shared that experience with another someone special and the whole thing was just perfect :) . Like, omg, perfect and fantastic and amazing.

I can’t pick a favorite moment really but I thought I might explode from all of the emotion I was feeling. It was so freaking seriously exhilarating. And just when I thought it wouldn’t get any better, Matt Berninger handed over the wine bottle right before he walked off stage. I have to think it was all of the screaming of “ALL THE WINE.” Handed. It. Over. I have it. Prized possession? Yes. Fucking absolutely. And as much as I’d love to share more details of that moment, it’s a prized memory even more so. Full disclosure: he didn’t exactly hand it to me, but I have it. Because. ;)

But that wine bottle is why I clearly think I can just call him Matt. I mean, hello.

I may have actually had all the wine tonight. And I am coming off of an extremely exhausting, emotional week. And OMG so other feels going on in my head, but I want you to know that it’s OK to really stupidly love something and even be slightly obsessed (but not in a dangerous way) and really just love something that makes you happy with no regrets. And also, just sort of let some of my feelings about my fangirlness out there :)

Someone asked me recently what to listen to from The National. Boxer is still my favorite album, though the new one, Trouble Will Find Me, is my second favorite. But, it is ALL good. ALL. I promise.

Don’t make you read your mind, you should know me better than that.

I should live in salt for leaving you behind.

Liquid sex with bacon and honey. And all the wine.

I have my peace. I hope you have yours too.

If I stay here, trouble will find me.

Tags: , , ,

  • Digg
  • Del.icio.us
  • StumbleUpon
  • Reddit
  • Twitter
  • RSS

LASIK: Thinks and Feels Edition

So I was going to write about my whole LASIK experience in detail, including the nauseating fact that my doctor used what he called a “cornea spatula” on my eyes, but anyone could read about the gross details on some LASIK site. This blog is about THINKS AND FEELS. But I will say this: the whole procedure only took about 20 minutes and it has completely changed my life. I don’t regret getting the surgery and my doctor at the Cleveland Clinic was amazing.

I’ve had glasses since I was 8 years old. I remember not being able to see the blackboard from the back of my classroom. My teacher asked me to read the morning announcements she had written on the board and I couldn’t see well enough to read them. I remember standing at the back of the line in the nurse’s office while my classmates dutifully read letters I couldn’t see off the eye cart. I tried SO HARD to memorize the order of the letters, but when it was my turn, I just burst into tears and admitted I couldn’t see. I got these hideous clear pink plastic frames that some hipster would probably love to wear right now.

I tried contacts for about a year in high school because my grandma insisted that I would look “so much prettier” without glasses. I had to get hard contacts because my vision was so bad. I did wear them for long because they were a pain in the ass, but I do think they helped stabilize my vision, which is why my ophthalmologist wanted me to try contacts. Even then, I had been wearing glasses for so long that I felt naked without them.

3 days post-surgery. The blood blob is completely gone now.

3 days post-surgery. The blood blob is completely gone now.

Truth be told, I’ve always felt like I looked really good in glasses and that they suited my face. When I was thinking about LASIK, I assumed that my vision wouldn’t be able to be 100% corrected and that I would still need to wear glasses. When my doctor assured me that he could give me perfect vision, I was shocked. I wasn’t really prepared to lose my glasses. In fact, I actually bought a pair of non-prescription glasses just in case I needed the security blanket.

I feel like I look like a completely different person now. My glasses had pretty much become a part of my face, and, even almost a month later, it’s weird for me to look in the mirror and see my naked face. When I had my glasses off, my vision was so bad that I couldn’t actually see my face clearly. I’m still learning to accept my glasses-less face as just as attractive as my face with glasses. For awhile after my surgery, I kept asking my boyfriend if he thought I was still attractive, which was ridiculous. But we met on a dating site and one of the reasons he said he messaged me was because he thought I was cute. So I worried that he didn’t think I was as cute without glasses. Like I said, ridiculous.

Response from other people have been mostly positive. I’ve gotten a lot of compliments at work and people telling me how pretty I look. But then I get all weird about it and think that means they didn’t find me pretty BEFORE surgery. Honestly, though, how other people feel about me isn’t all that important. I’m super-sensitive about this because I tied my glasses into my attractiveness for so long. Being without them makes me feel more vulnerable. It also doesn’t help that two people have told me that I looked better in glasses. Both were men and I think it was because I ruined their “sexy librarian” stereotype image. But still. That was kind of hard to swallow.

While coming to terms with my new appearance, I’ve been enjoying my glasses-free existence. I’ve purchased sunglasses that don’t cost over $200! Of course, those $10 sunglasses broke off my face while I was driving the other day, but that’s neither here nor there. I was able to drive the day after my operation. Driving at night is not the best. I see halos around headlights and stop lights, which can make seeing kind of difficult. I drove on the highway for the first time over the weekend and it wasn’t as bad as I feared. My doctor assures me that my night vision will improve, so I just have to be patient. You all know how good at I am at being patient. :P

Bottom line? I would absolutely do this all over again. It was worth every penny I paid (and it cost A LOT of pennies). My quality of life has increased dramatically. I mean, I can see my feet in the shower! Of course, that also means that I really know when it’s time to clean the tub. If anyone wants to know the gory details of my surgery, I’d be happy to share. I just didn’t want to gross out any uninterested parties. If you’ve been thinking about LASIK, DO IT. Schedule a consultation appointment. I regret not seriously considering the procedure sooner, though, this was the first time in my life that I could’ve paid for it.

Tags: , , , ,

  • Digg
  • Del.icio.us
  • StumbleUpon
  • Reddit
  • Twitter
  • RSS

Keys to the Future

I am sitting here tonight overwhelmed with emotion. Frankly, I am super proud of myself and deliriously happy. I just spent a couple of hours in my very own house in Shaker Heights. To most people, it might just seem like a new house in my still newish city is the next logical step after taking my new job last year. But, it’s so much more than that. This house? Is all mine. I picked it out and it’s a big part of my new future. And I really, really love it.

Over the past several years, my life has been so up and down, so wrought with turmoil and negative emotion and negative people, that being in that house today felt like I could really breathe for the first time in a really long time.

These keys are the key to my future. They mean I want to build roots here and stay for a while. They mean I really, really do like it here. For me, it means I want to create a home and, for the first time in a long time, I feel safe and stable and content.

What it also means is that I didn’t settle. My last house was not the one I picked and it was co-owned with my ex. And I settled because that is what I did back then. This house? All mine. I picked it. I am going to change it, update it, and put a fantastic bathtub in it. For me. Because I deserve it. And I didn’t settle because that is not what I do anymore.

I’m looking forward to sitting on the porch and waving at my neighbors (and judging them back, LOL). I am looking forward to planting flowers and maybe a garden. It has a big bar that I am going to paint orange and blue (obv) and a beautiful deck where I can have big parties! (Maybe you all will be invited!)

If I thought 2012 was good for me, it looks like 2013 will be even better.

keys

 

People, I am an unstoppable, fantastical, sometimes spastic, always adorable, force of nature.

Tags: , ,

  • Digg
  • Del.icio.us
  • StumbleUpon
  • Reddit
  • Twitter
  • RSS

All the Changes

So I’ve got a lot going on in the next few weeks and I’m trying my hardest not to let my anxiety about all the things get carried away. Because I NEVER worry about anything.

Me and the boy. We're so adorable, I know.

Me and the boy. We’re so adorable, I know.

On May 30 (next Thursday!), my boyfriend is moving in with me! I’m beyond excited, but I’m also really nervous. He currently lives in Buffalo and we’ve only ever dated long-distance. So I know living together is going to be a lot different than weekend visits every month and nightly phone calls, but I’m looking forward to taking this next step in our relationship. It’s going to be so wonderful to cuddle up with him every night and wake up next to him each morning. I’m excited about going on weekly dates with him and exploring everything Cleveland has to offer together. I’m even looking forward to curling up on the couch with him and reading while he plays video games.

Mentally transitioning from “me,” “mine,” and “yours” to “we,” “us,” and “ours” has not been easy. I’ve become accustomed to living alone and it doesn’t help that we’ll be living in an apartment that I chose, not somewhere we chose together; however, he really does like my apartment, so at least there’s that. I’m mostly worried that he’s going to move in and decide that he hates me. That’s rational, right? Thankfully, he’s always been very good at assurances when my brain goes crazy like that.

When we first started exchanging messages on a dating site about a year ago, I never expected our conversations to turn into a serious relationship. I’m so thankful that he decided to message me even though we were three hours apart. I’m going to stop this before I get too mushy, but I’ve never been happier and he greatly contributes to my happiness.

A week after the boy moves in (June 6), I’m getting LASIK surgery! I actually go for my final pre-operative appointment on the day he moves in, so I may or may not be home when he arrives. I went for a consultation on Monday at the Cleveland Clinic and, after an incredibly long appointment with lots of waiting, I was told that I was a candidate for surgery. Apparently, some people in my prescription range (it’s horrible) aren’t able to get the surgery done, so I was quite relieved. I wasn’t anticipating being able to have my surgery done so soon, but my doctor only operates the first Thursday of every month and July is out because that’s the Fourth of July.

When the doctor told me that I’d be able to read a clock on the wall of the operating room immediately after my procedure, I almost burst into tears. I’ve been wearing glasses since the second grade. I don’t remember being able to read a clock on the wall without my glasses on. The last time I could see a clock on the wall without glasses would’ve been in first grade, and I don’t even know if I could tell time then.

This is basically what I see now without glasses.

This is basically what I see now without glasses.

People have suggested that I just get contacts, but this isn’t about me wanting to get rid of my glasses. I actually really like how I look in glasses. My doctor assured me that he could make my vision perfect, so I’m going to have to adjust to no longer wearing glasses. It’s going to be a shock to see my face in the mirror every morning for quite some time. Currently, my field of vision is about six inches. If something is six inches away from my face, I can see it clearly. Anything beyond six inches is blurry beyond recognition. Getting LASIK done will greatly enhance my quality of life. I’ll be able to see the minute I open my eyes. Currently, I have to squint at my large numbers clock to see the time.

I have a feeling that June 6 is going to be a really emotional day for me. If I’m able to cry tears after surgery, I’m sure I’ll be sobbing. I’ve had glasses for more than 20 years of my life and I can’t imagine being able to see without them. So if you see me, and I’m pushing imaginary glasses up my face, now you know why.

So yeah, two big life-changing events happening within a week of each other. Go big or go home, right? RIGHT? So here’s hoping I won’t be an emotional trainwreck by the time my 30th birthday rolls around on June 9. Oh right. I forgot to mention I was turning 30 this year, didn’t I? That’s not a big deal or anything. Ha!

Tags: , , , , , ,

  • Digg
  • Del.icio.us
  • StumbleUpon
  • Reddit
  • Twitter
  • RSS

On my Grandma

I love my grandma. I really do. But she’s also a big part of the reason I had low self-esteem while I was growing up and why I’m such an insane perfectionist to this day.

Expressing her feelings has never come easily to my grandma. So, in order to prove her love to me, she bought me things. I had an entire stable full of My Little Ponies, including the Pony Palace. She was convinced that Beanie Babies were going to pay for my college education, so she bought me pretty much every Beanie Baby ever, including ones that were “retired” and cost $50 each at mall kiosks. At report card time, each A earned me $25 and each B earned me, “You’ll have to do better next time, honey.” I wanted her approval, so I, of course, tried harder next time.

But after a while, it got harder and harder to please her. She was constantly trying to push me into doing things or wearing things I didn’t want to because that’s what “all the other girls were doing/wearing.” She tried to talk me into a perm when I was in middle school. I would’ve looked like a poodle. I tried contacts in high school because she told me I looked so much better without my glasses. To her, my hair has ALWAYS looked better longer. I think she would have rather have to bail me out of jail than see me cut my hair. Even to this day, every time I see her, she scrutinizes my hair to see if it’s shorter than it was the last time she saw me.

She hated that I never went to church. To her, going to church made one a good person. She always compared me to this girl from my class who went to church every weekend, saying that she was SUCH A NICE GIRL. Well, that nice girl now has three children by three different fathers and has been in and out of jail for bar fights. Going to church definitely made her a MUCH better person, as you can see.

My grandma is convinced that anyone I meet on the internet is going to kill me. I guess Winey is in this for the very long con and plans to kill me any day now. ANY DAY. My mom told me not to tell my grandma how my boyfriend and I met (we met on OKCupid). But I’m a terrible liar, and when my grandma asked how he and I met, I couldn’t help but blurt out the truth (though I did leave off the dating website part, as that probably would’ve given her a heart attack). Her response? “Ohhhh,” which is uttered in a highly disapproving tone.

When I visited family for Christmas, my grandma took me shopping. Remember that she equates spending money with love. However, my grandma will only buy me things she wants me to have. If she doesn’t like the pair of shoes I do or the dress I want, she won’t buy it. She’ll say that she’ll buy me something else instead, attempting to steer me in the direction she wants me to go. I think it’s her way of still trying to make me be like “all the other girls.”

During that shopping trip, we were sitting on a mall bench, talking about my high school friend who had recently met her boyfriend through an online message board for the disease they share. She was going on and on about how wonderful it was for my friend to find a boyfriend like that. Meanwhile, I was thinking, “What the fuck? Who replaced my grandma with an internet-loving pod person?” Then she turned to me and said, “You still don’t have a boyfriend then, honey?” That offended me for two reasons: 1) It’s like she thought that I wouldn’t be a whole person without a boyfriend and 2) I do have a boyfriend! I had told her about him the last time I visited in August. So I reminded her about my boyfriend and she asked what he looked like. I had a recent picture of him on my phone, so I pulled it up and showed her. Her response? “Ohhh. He has a beard then.” That was it.

Needless to say, I don’t plan to tell my grandma that my boyfriend is moving in with me at the end of the month (SQUEE!). She’ll flip her shit and maybe even stop talking to me. When my parents bought the house I grew up in, my grandma didn’t speak to them for an entire year because she thought the house was ugly and a waste of money. So I’m sure she will be equally appalled that I am living with my boyfriend who I met on the internet. I know she’ll find out eventually, but the longer I can put it off, the better. I’d prefer not to give her a stroke.

I know my grandma means well and she only acts this way out of concern for me. You know, like when she called to tell me not to leave my laptop on my bed any more. According to a news report she heard, leaving my laptop on my bed would cause it to catch on fire. I definitely could’ve lived without feeling like I was never good enough while I was growing up, though. Now I just kind of laugh it off, but that’s a lot easier when you’re 29 than when you’re 13.

I have lots of fond memories of my grandma, too. She would spend hours helping me style all of the My Little Ponies I owned. She always let me take the longest baths and showers ever during which I spent more time playing than actually getting clean. I would dance around her basement to an 8-track tape of Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass Band for HOURS. She would let me wear her ridiculous costume jewelry around the house so I could feel like a princess. She’s never been a good cook, but she would make me Eggo Waffles when I spent weekends there and I thought they were the best things ever. I guess I just wish that she’d learn there are other ways of expressing love and they don’t have to include money or material things.

Tags: , , , , , ,

  • Digg
  • Del.icio.us
  • StumbleUpon
  • Reddit
  • Twitter
  • RSS

Fear and Being Less of a Woman

So it’s been a while since I’ve written on this blog now that I’m all fancy over at the bosslady blog. But, I have a big day at the doctor’s tomorrow and I am a wee bit depressed about it before I even know what she’ll say. You see, I feel like a complete wimp for saying this, but I feel like less of a woman having to consider what I am considering. If reading about my emotions and my uterus are not your thing, feel free to skip this post. I completely understand.

I have a condition that is wreaking havoc (and has been for years) on my uterus called adenomyosis (please feel free not to google). The whole damn thing has all gone to hell. At first, I was misdiagnosis. This diagnosis is actually a bit worse because some options for ending periods that work for things like cysts, won’t work for me. For some conditions, end the period and you end the pain. But this has become worse than that.  I’ve been body scanned, MRIed, xrayed, poked, prodded, and medicated. The only cure is removal of the organ. Interim cures, including birth control pills, gave me whole different side effects like making me completely emotional unstable, weight gain, oh and stroke risk. So, my new doctor and I decided that was not the best course of action. Mentally, since being off the pill for the past three months I feel so much better. But the pain is now not just during my period, it is almost everyday and it makes everyday uncomfortable. Last night was possibly one of the worst nights ever and I can’t live on pain killers forever (which actually just dull the pain). I have medication right now for pain and to control the blood loss, but it makes me sick to my stomach. So that’s a great choice.

I know what I need to do and I know what is best. But, there is this part of me that feels like if I get my uterus removed, I will be less of a woman. I mean, isn’t the uterus the actual symbol of our femininity?  I’ve been so happy in the past few years to really find myself and be comfortable with my own sexuality like never before in my life and then I turn around and get smacked with having to give up this life giving organ. But, as a consolation, I keep my ovaries!

It is almost a secondary consideration (but one that I act like really makes it a hard decision) that the recovery time is around six weeks and I have this new job and all of this responsibility and OMG how will I survive? (And if you’re wondering, yes @bitchylibrarian swears she will take care of me THOUGH I DO NOT NEED ANYONE TO DO THAT.) Plus, it is a major surgery (I am hoping to talk laproscopic surgery tomorrow) and there are risks associated with that. But, I am hoping that I can get over the fact that my ladybits have given up and if I want to live a pain free existence, it’s time to let it go.

And I know plenty of people have worse health decisions to make and just harder things to think about and take action upon in their lives. I do. I feel like a baby for complaining at all. But there you have. Winey is a big baby about her uterus.

Anyway, here’s to health.

 

Tags: , , ,

  • Digg
  • Del.icio.us
  • StumbleUpon
  • Reddit
  • Twitter
  • RSS